Enjoying Wine on the Golf Course
Scenario #1 – The Proper Country Club
At a proper country club one should only consider drinking Rombauer Chardonnay or Silver Oak Cabernet Sauvignon while golfing. Anything else would just be gauche and completely frowned upon. It is a fact that the more expensive it is to join a Country Club, the more limited the wine list, with Silver Oak always the house red. This will be the case at any Country Club (or Golf Club, or Golf and Country Club) that has a waiting list of at least two years. The history of this tradition is to show deep respect to the classic reigning country club alcohol–single-malt scotch. My recommendation before you order the Rombauer is to lie about a pending knee replacement or chronic back pain. This is a very clever way to allow your friends to believe you’re only drinking it because of your Oxycontin addiction.
Scenario #2 – The Failing Country Club
This is the country club that went from a dwindling waiting list to no waiting list. At that point the Wine Committee is disbanded and the Dining Room Supervisor is promoted to the Food and Beverage Manager, with no increase in pay. it is common knowledge that when the wine list expands and the food gets better, the club is basically an injured squirrel in the middle of the fairway hoping for the Club Corp vulture to carry it away. The good news is that the membership has a window of opportunity to order wine in huge plastic beer cups with lids and straws. The unknowing and untrained staff has no idea that the wine pour is not the same size as the Stella pour and the club members have a wine gold-mine on their hands. In this case, go for all of the expensive, eclectic and reserve wines that can be found, because the unmanaged beverage director is going to go on a wine buying frenzy. For at least a year or two, the staff will be so confused that they won’t even know how much to charge. This is the best possible country club scenario.
Scenario #3 – The Municipal Course (with an operating beverage cart)
This municipal course is likely to give you access to wine, but it is going to be small bottles of cheap white and red from some terrible wine producing region you’ve never heard of. Under normal circumstances this wine would be quite undrinkable but golf puts the “able” back in the drink. My recommendation is to treat these wines as chasers in between the gin and tonics or tequila shots. The trick to this scenario is to tip the cart attendee heavily at the beginning of the round. This will expedite the trips to your foursome and he or she is likely to sneak in few extra treats. Sometimes it’s just a bag of peanuts but if you are lucky and adequately charming, you can end up with extra bottles of cheap wine which will more then offset your original investment in the tip. Don’t be afraid of the wine – the normal gag reflex one would experience from these products is repressed by all the booze.
Scenario #4 – The Municipal Course (without an operating beverage cart)
Now, golfers, you’ve hit the mother-load of wine tasting. You’re ability to drink great wine is only limited by your ability to hide it on the cart after you check in. My recommendation is to order eight cans of Bud Light. It is important to order eight and not six because eight cans will require two of the RETURN TO CLUBHOUSE bags full of ice. The foursome must quickly drink the first Bud Light in order to start icing down the wine which is cleverly hidden in the golf bags. By the time the group finishes the third hole and the second Bud Light, it is time to get serious about wine. Tips for executing this strategy include always having a cork-screw in the golf bag, remembering the plastic cups, and having some RETURN TO CLUBHOUSE bags on-hand at all times. You can ice the wines in advance and the nosy marshals will never be the wiser.
Enjoy wine; enjoy life.